Casper Crisis #23

The Morning Scan

Random Notes From Far Arcturus

Hey Doug -

Remember the conversation we were having yesterday afternoon at the Tokyo airport? It was shortly after Donald and I finished playing hide'n'seek with you and Richard - which BTW was a whole lot of fun, Richard looked really worried for once, especially after we had ourselves paged to the Air Thailand Golden Lotus Lounge, which was all the way on the other end of the airport - you guys were so out of breath when you got back from there, you must have run all the way, only to find us lounging with the band at the appropriate JAL gate - anyway, after you two cooled off, Donald was talking about how lousy he felt yesterday morning - remember? the conversation went something like this:

DF - say Doug - did you slip into my room last night and bash me over the head with a shovel while I was sleeping? I gotta say I feel a little rough today

WB - you know what - I gave him ten thousand yen to do exactly that, but he said he couldn't take any money, you know, under the circumstances...

DC - Funny you should mention that, Donald, because when I was about seven years old my next door neighbor cracked me with a shovel, there was blood everywhere and I needed fifteen stitches.

DF - Ouchie. Now why'd he go and do a thing like that, do you reckon?

DC - I haven't the foggiest.

WB - Oh I think I might be able to shed some light on...

...and that's when they called our flight and you guys went to work. But I haven't forgotten my promise to illuminate this 30-year old mystery for you, as to why the kid next store tried to lobotomize you, Doug Casper, with a shovel. Here are the first fifteen reasons that come to mind:

1. Your obsession with time and timeliness: How many conversations, practice sessions, bagels, etc. have been interrupted by the incessant "90 minutes" "45 minutes" "20 minutes" routine? Do you think we're idiots, that we need to be reminded over and over that we have a show to do? This is the kind of maddening behavior that drives people to violence.

2. The way you walk: your insolent swagger would be an incredible asset if you were on the LAPD or if you were a prison guard or a professional wrestler. But in other situations I am not surprised to know it might drive someone to assault you with a not-so-blunt instrument.

3. You are personally acquainted with Amber Lynn and other famous superstars of porn

4. Your watch: Big shiny gold Rolex, would it be? Please refer to the "Tour demands" page for more details

5. Women find you unusually attractive: what a drag for the rest of us guys.

6. Your unerring sense of style and grace: that easy insouciance and charm, even after you've had a bad night (app. three times a week)

7. The map in your brain: the one that has all the girlie bars and croakers, in every town in the world.

8. The "Master of Ceremonies" thing: the way you control the timbre of social interaction in any group, particularly where the bandmembers are concerned. The bus being a particularly egregious example of same, and Cornelius Bumpus being a noteworthy exception.

9. Your Flashlight work: inconsistent yet bullying, serving only your own dark purposes

10. The shape of your head: overly pointy on the top, otherwise (it must be said) nicely formed. Ed: lose this one, okay? wb

11. Your car: BMW - so typical.

12. Your perennial 5 o'clock shadow: repellent to real men, fatally attractive to that shallow superficial sort of woman we all want and crave so badly we could scream.

13. Your Mazarinesque control of the center from the periphery

14. Your overly lubricious relations with ms. Michelle and ms. Carolyn: intermission/after show foot/neck massages and craniosacral adjustments, etc.

15. Your "Playboy After Dark" wardrobe: perfect for every occasion, of which there are far too many -

There it is - fifteen, count'em, fifteen perfectly good reasons why little Mickey Baxter's shovel had a rendezvous with destiny involving your skull. Read'em and weep.

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10/12/96