Desperate Danwives
Deplore "Butterscotch Stallion" Sendup
D a n F a n   A l e r t !
In the wake of the open letter to Luke Wilson that we posted this summer on the Steely Dan website, we have been receiving gobs of email in response. About 10% are favorable and look something like this:

The letter was dead-on. When I first saw the promo for this film I assumed you were involved with the soundtrack.

Thank You,
Your Biggest Fan

But the rest are kinda scary — for instance:

Donald and Walter,

I read an article on FOXNEWS.COM today (July 21st, 2006) regarding your letter to Luke Wilson. I was a fan of your work. I just had to come to your site and read the letter in its entirety. I have to say, I think the letter was ridiculous. You guys sound like some high school girls who are angry because you didn't get the cheerleading outfits you wanted. First of all, you totally stooped to whatever level you are accusing Owen Wilson of stooping to. You come off as two arrogant idiots. The use of your bad slang and horrible grammar is funny to say the least. Ohhh, your Grammy winners, right!? So I guess that means you can just ride as high on those horses as you want, right? Whatever! You have left such a bad taste in my mouth. This letter, the way it was written and the overall feeling I get (as I am sure others do) has done nothing but turn me off. You have really made an effort to protect your "legacy". Now I can laugh with my Uncle, who is among your biggest fans, about what asses you are. Your big egos, bad attitudes and general stupidity far outshines that of whatever accusations you want to throw at Owen Wilson! Hey, guess what me and six of my girlfriends are gonna do tonight?? We are going to see "You, Me and Dupree" and then tomorrow for an afternoon date I will take my husband to see it (right after he gets done deleting your music from my MP3 collection)!

So thanks for opening my eyes to your true character(s), you pricks!

Las Vegas, Nevada


Apparently we have struck a raw nerve with many of our DanFan wives, a heretofore remarkably tolerant and sympathetic segment of our beloved constituency. In fact, it appears that we have inadvertently tapped into a hitherto subterranean streak of libidinous longing amongst our wives and loved ones for the body and soul of one Owen C Wilson, who some journalists have begun to call "The Butterscotch Stallion".

Fellas, this thing is real — we know that for a fact. Sales at our concerts of Steely Dan babydoll-type t-shirts have fallen off to almost zero. Mickie the Merch Man is desperately attempting to reconfigure his now-worthless stock of b-dolls into babushkas or mu-mus or shawls or whatever may appeal to our less immature ladyfans. Things have gotten a little frosty with Miss Carolyn and Miss Cindy too.

So we urge you to be on your guard against anti-Dan reprisals as threatened above and other even more troubling signs of this dangerous syndrome which we call Subliminal Stallionitis. Here are a couple of things to watch for:

• Check your video rental account for multiple or multiday rentals of Butterscotch Buddyfilms in which Owen C. is partnered with nerdy Ben Stiller — i.e., Zoolander, Permanent Midnight, and Starsky and Hutch. If your old lady has been digging on these particular flicks, you may safely infer that it's not Ben Stiller's buff bod that she's jonesing for.

• When you're in the sack with your baby and she calls out "Oh!" or "Ow!" she may not be complimenting you on your sexual prowess — she may be invoking the sacred first syllable of her dream lover's name.

• If your wife has encouraged you to bleach your hair or "lighten up a little" or have your nose broken in three places, she may be projecting her fantasy attachment to Owen onto you.

• Has she been using any unusual jokey expressions for special sexual favors— i.e., does she want to play "Black Hawk Down", does she implore you to "show me the Bottle Rocket, Buckaroo!", is she begging for "The Big Bounce", is she clamoring for a "California Couch Job"?

• Has she been taking riding lessons?

If you see any or all of the above telltale behaviors from your spouse or significant other, we caution you to password-protect your iPods and hide your stash of vintage Dan vinyl before it turns up at your kid's middle school charity auction. Try to get her interested in some other celluloid hunk. Perhaps you can steer her towards someone that's a lot more lovable and cuddly, like say Matthew Broderick or Matthew McConaughey, as opposed to straight-up fuckable like Owen C. And for crissakes, limber up a little, skip that third martini, and throw a little something extra into your "California Couch Job" and your "Black Hawk Down". Good luck!


posted 9/21/2006



  © 2006 Walter Becker: All Rights Reserved